You dial customer service and you hear – “Your call may be recorded for quality assurance.”
Translation: your call may be recorded so we can laugh at you later.
Because let’s be honest, nobody actually believes these recordings are being used to improve the customer experience. If they were, I would have noticed by now. And I’ve been on hold since dial-up was a thing.
The Theater of Quality Assurance
Here’s what really happens.
Every week, frontline reps get dragged into what can only be described as a humiliation ritual. Their worst calls—the ones where the customer was already on their third coffee and fifth failed transfer—get pulled up like evidence in a trial.
“Walk us through why you didn’t calm down Mrs. Johnson, who was screaming about her missing refund.”
Because, boss, Mrs. Johnson wanted her money, not a guided meditation. But sure, let me relive the trauma.
Meanwhile, the supervisor sits there, pretending to care. They listen to these recordings, score them with a clipboard that might as well say “PROP” on the back, and hand out numbers that mean absolutely nothing. It’s not science. It’s improv theater. The underpaid actors are the reps. The supervisors are unwilling extras. And the audience? At this point, I’m not even sure there is one.
Supervisors Drowning in Quicksand
Supervisors are suffocating under the weight of it all. Meetings stacked on meetings, meaningless dashboards, and now these call-scoring rituals. It’s paperwork cosplaying as leadership. None of it improves the employee experience. None of it improves the customer experience. It’s bureaucracy eating itself in broad daylight.
And yet, week after week, the show goes on. “Quality Assurance: Season 47.” Coming soon to a cubicle near you.
Enter AI (But in All the Wrong Places)
You’d think this would be ground zero for the AI revolution. If ever there were fertile ground for automation, it’s here. Thousands of calls, millions of emails, billions of “Can I speak to your manager?” moments—all recorded and waiting to be analyzed.
But no. The C-suite and vendors don’t want to automate that. They want to automate the talking. The emails. The chats. The actual words coming out of humans’ mouths.
Really? That’s your big bet? “Let’s replace the reps with chatbots that sound like Siri’s unemployed cousin.”
Meanwhile, most contact centers still don’t know why people call. I’m not being hyperbolic. Sure, at 30,000 feet they know: billing, service, refunds. But when it actually matters—like “Why are refund calls up 75% this morning?”—they’ve got nothing.
Last week, this exact scenario played out. Calls spiked. Refund complaints everywhere. The sophisticated response? Someone dropped a message in Teams: “Hey, anyone hearing more refund calls today?” Then they started gathering anecdotal info like they were planning a family reunion.
What is this? The Stone Age? We are literally recording every single call, email, text, and chat. Every word is captured. And yet, when it comes time to answer a simple question like “Why are people calling?” the solution is still a virtual rain dance.
We’ve Completely Lost the Plot
So let’s review:
- Calls are recorded. Not to improve service.
- Reps are humiliated. Not to improve service.
- Supervisors are drowning. Not to improve service.
- AI is deployed in all the wrong places. Not to improve service.
Theater, rituals, rain dances, and stone-tablet communication—this is the modern contact center.
And here’s the kicker: if AI can’t even answer why people call then… Actually never mind, you’ll probably just build another chatbot.
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